Study Life/ Working Life

Today is 30 Aug '05. I m in Yr 2 Acc, damn busy recently, dun even haf time to sleep.. N sigh, it's really sleep... Last time in NS dun sleep oso can, now cant do it liao, really getting old.. Life is so busy, work is piling up & yet i m slacking... Why m i slacking? Actually if i were analyse myself now using the theory of Heuristics & Biases in Decision Making, i can diagonise y i m slacking...

Cos the work is so hard & comes in Quantity, i cant clear in time.. Once work cant be cleared in time, it affects my confidence level in coping with new chapters, since the old ones haf not been cleared yet, hence the replication goes on and when confidence level drops, the relunctance to do work sets in & again work cant be cleared in time... I den end up in a vicious cycle. Of course all these can be attributed to a form of excuses but actually, i really v tired... As usual, amidst my fatigue, i go back NHDS to chill out but Alas! Recently NHSS no dance, so i sianz diao...

Study Life & Working life r both hard... Amidst my busy life recently, really rather alone... As written in my previous entry, alone is a status while lonely is a feeling... But yuan lai busy working life/ study life leave u with v little time with true frenz... In an attempt to meet up with frenz recently, i realized tt every1 is busy, we dun even get to meet...

Welcome to the adult world... Every1 is busy with routine life, its already considered a luxury to be able to meet up with frenz & chat over a meal... Being in the real world is really tiring.. =(

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Dance, Performing Arts is My Life?

Time is 2005, my 2nd yr in NTU Acc. Life has been tough recently, other than busy with sch work, Modern Jazz, still got Theatre Practise Rehearsals, which r a killer. Rehearse till 11 pm, reach home no need do work liao... Lagging behind in my studies..

Actually i am seriously very surprised typing this entry. I remember tagging on my own tagboard saying tt: Anyone wanna/ need to put up a perf lately cos i got lots of ideas recently? It's really true, I somehow realized tt subconsciously maybe i cant live w/o dance liao... I oso dunno what happen to me. Actually, it is more of an ECA to me liao, as compared to the past.. I realized recently whenever i am tighted down by work & i get v stressed & frustrated, i end up choreographing dance works. Yes, The reason y i have so many ideas recently, ironically is becos my studies are really too much liao... There is so much work in school, so many readings, so little time, & the ironic thing is tt I managed to choreograph dance works in such a situation? M I mad or what?

The logical/ rational reason i can think of is tt Dance maybe to me, is no longer just an ECA, it is a form of stress relieve for me liao... Maybe put it selfishly, i go back NHDS, even if i dun do anything, I oso feel more at ease & more relaxed - As compared to going home & study/ face the 4 walls. Maybe doing choreography relieves my stress, i oso not sure...

I m juz shocked by myself tt i managed to come up with so many ideas in the past 3 weeks... Some of them belong to E-sphere of dance, some belong to A-sphere. Wah lau, last time think till head crack oso cant get 1 idea, now i haf so many of them... Overflow ah... I shall list them down, next time no ideas liao can come back to refer this entry.. They are: Maksim 2 pieces, H.O.T Outside Castle + I Yah, OP.T + Enter the dragon, Woo Hyuk Do or Die, Rain It's Raining, Black Beat Dangerous, Don't Phunk with my Heart, Ciara Hotline, Multi Shinhwa tracks etc.

Actually i now wish to do lots of dance-related things.. Was honestly quite surprised tt got ppl in this current NHDS interested in dance choreography. Haha, was quite consoling to know tt Juncheng & Wei Hong they all so enthu to participate/ org a workshop for this. Actually this phenomenon muz thank Sam. He org the leadership workshop so successfully, it gave me an idea of going back to NHDS once again to help out. Honestly, i feel tt i know lots of things the students now dunno lah( w.r.t dance) so actually i wish to teach them all i know.. I dont wish to keep all these things i know cos eventually when i leave, there is no continuation, so whats the pt? Knowledge passed on then is useful.. I can actually understand now why old ppl such as my dad is so naggy sometimes & keeps repeating their life stories. Becos there is really so much knowledge in it, as long as I go ask, i can find out lots of interesting things. I find tt i really getting old liao, cos i really got this mentality now, the eager urge to pass on whatever i know, like as if i gonna die tml like tt =p My best ideal is really we got 1 day, can got many many of us Ex-NHDS Dancers go back to NHDS one day during Dance camp, & sit down talk cock.. Imagine got stay overnight in sch, then we grads can sit in Canteen/ wherever & talk till morning.. Go 7-Eleven buy drinks come back oso good... Got car laggy better, drive ard den come back again.. Sigh, Dunno whether this day will come or not... Getting crappy liao...

I think this batch of 1989's quite interesting.. I sincerely feel they unique in their own ways lah, & looking at their immediate juniors, i feel tt they r even better.. I mean, it's true & i m not sacarstic. U put good & poor side by side, Good will appear even Better. It's natural. It would be best if i could groom a whole big bunch of independent students in this batch.

Current Status: Getting Mad as the dayz pass by; Realize what role Dance is playing in my life; realize i getting old; sudden urge to on-pass whatever F*** I know...

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Human Beings today?

Time is 8th Aug '05, 10:30 pm... Actually i dunno at this point of time what i wanna blog... Felt a bit odd cos lots of things happened lately... I really dunno how/ what to express how i feel.. I decided to write essays ba, since essays r my way of letting feelings flow...
This essay below started few days ago, finished it today...

Basically didnt know what to write, it was juz a pure flow of my emotions... When i wrote, i seriously felt a little sad... I really input the 'sad' & 'sorrow' feelings into this essay...
I felt these emotions when i read some1's blog, (N/B: My essay is 100% fictional, dun read in between the lines), i could clearly feel the sadness & sorrow in the entry... Unable to do anything to help at all, i decided to write such an essay... Dunno who will read this essay of mine & i oso dunno how readers will interpret it but I sincerely say tt i dun haf any ill intentions at all...

Realized tt other ppl's entries can also influence my moods actually....

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(痛、苦、悲、绝)

(一)
她、 一位文静的女子，一头漆黑的头发，一双明亮的眼睛，眼中却流露出愤世嫉俗的眼神。那眼神仿佛替她本人穿上了一层隔膜，企图将她与世隔绝。高佻的身材， 清秀的脸孔，眼神流露出丝丝的恨意，然而恨意之中却搀杂着无限的痛苦。这一切的痛苦即使在恨意的掩饰下也还是无所遁行。沿着手臂可以清楚地看到一道道的伤 痕。这些伤痕显然都是被 刀割的。 每一道伤痕都叙述着一段痛苦的故事,每一道伤痕都充满著深深的悲伤。在命运无情的摧残下，原本纯真，未经世道的她历经了无法想象的痛苦，体验了悲伤失落的 感觉。每当悲伤失落却又毫无依靠时，她便会用刀子在自己原本毫无瑕疵的手臂划上一刀。这一刀并不如何迅速，相反的，非常的慢。她仿佛在清楚地体会“痛”的 感觉，感受着刀锋划过肌肤的那一霎那，让鲜红的血一滴一滴流过雪白的肌肤。这涌流不止的鲜血似乎暗喻了她那永无止境的悲伤与痛。每一滴鲜红的血，都包含了 无限的黯然神伤，无限的苦与痛。然而，即使血在流，她也毫无感觉，只因躯体的痛早已远远不及她心灵上所受的煎熬。

渐渐地，手臂上的伤痕逐 渐增加。饱受煎 熬的她，眼神中的纯真与无邪逐渐褪去。取而代之的是对世间的不平的丝丝恨意。但是，在自残身躯的每一刻，心中的悲痛都没有丝毫减少。 其实，一切的恨意都是掩饰，她内心深处是那么渴望能有一个可以躲避所有风风雨雨的避风港。但是，朋友的承诺无法兑现，情人的誓言落空了，亲人的无私荡然无 存...... 她开始对人类的情感失去信心，身边亦逐渐竖起一层隔膜，将她与世界隔绝。在毫无依靠的情形下，肉体上的痛成了她抒解压力的唯一管道。她失落地祈求肉体上所 承受的痛能减少她内心的寂寞与悲伤。

悲伤的感觉经历岁月的蹉跎，渐渐成了绝望。即使地球仍继续在转，黎明与黄昏不断，黑夜与白昼轮流交 替，她还是停留在自己的世界里，无视于时间的流失。滴 答、滴答、滴答，血仍不停地流着，滴在雪白的长裙上...... 她静静地走在雪地上，对于躯体的疼痛已无任何反应。滴答、滴答、滴答；鲜红的血随即染红了整个雪地。伤痛是否已不再重要？抑或是心中的伤口已无法抚平？即 使在隔膜外，还有人在默默守候着，等待着进入她的世界？

血海般的雪地为这个冬天染上了悲哀、凄凉且黯然的色彩......
情仍存在于世间......

A Rather Different Phase in Dance (Part II)

Juz now dunno why juz keep writing abt NHDS, i think is linked becos of the phase i m now in ba...
In my current phase, 2005, with appreciation to Jeff Tan: I haf received teachings from Rudolf Laban, since Jeff graduated from Laban Art of Movement Centre..

As i keep learning, i shall pen down important notes in point form, hopefully i can remind myself now & then... Frenz who by chance read my entries, pls dun Copy & Paste due to Copyrights issue.. Actually i know u ppl wont lah, juz write tt line so tt in case anything happen, at least i gave warning b4 mah... But frenz reading, i welcome u all to discuss these points with me if u all interested... =)

• Dance is a 3-stranded subject, namely performing, making, and apreciating dance. N effective work in any one area is dependent on the other two. Experiencing dance can be thru practical doing but these has its shortcomings. They r: the lack of link with dance as a theatre art, excessive concentration on personal development, no acquisition of skills on how to appreciate/ appraise Dance works.

• Focus on Creativity or Technical Skills? 60-40? 50-50? 30-70? No model ans.

• In educating dancers, five aims should be achieved as much as possible. Sensitivity to quality, acquisition of skill & confidence, acquaintance with the creative process as an exp of dance choreography, knowledge of and accuracy in spatial environment, last but not least, enjoyment of dance works.

From the above context, i can be aware of NHDS dancers are how far behind in the entire route to autonomy. Mr Low trains students to be self-problem solving, emphasizes on creativity, helping them step by step to be independent. It's a 2-sided affair. Even up till the stage where he demmed students to be fully independent liao, as students, i still think tt we should remain humble & keep on learning.. As Daryl had once said, i quote him; He dislikes ppl who disown their roots & refuses to acknowledge the roots (As if being an ex-NHDS Dancer is a disgraceful thing). I agree tt some NHDS ppl do behave like tt. NH dancers are really still v far behind.. I sincerely hope tt they may be able to adv in leaps & bounds, cos honestly, they r very weak now... I wish to see something with much effort input in this Year's Dance Camp. After this batch of Sec 4s grad, i dunno how things will fall apart...
Frenz, feel free to discuss above points with me.. =)

End of Entry

A Rather Different Phase in Dance (Part I)

Time is 2005, i haf entered into another world from 05 onwards, as stated in previous entries, Zhongyi u would haf realized tt u haf now been alone taking this path... U haf been rather tired/ sick/ disappointed to look at NHDS as its future outlook is rather bleak... Dunno how things will turn out, seriously oso dunno how i myself can help them... Brainwashing & influencing is possible but it really is time-consuming & requires lots of energy to do it.. Supervision in their progress (whether maturity/ techniques/ upholding traditions etc) is extremely tiring & practically impossible for me to carry out... i where got time to go look at them & supervise? 1 week i think i can only go back 1 day now lor..

Honestly, i shall pen down my feelings tonight, though i may haf written in past entries.. I dunno, i forgot... NHDS: A place i grew up, increased in confidence level, leadership skills, learnt e importance of teamwork, enjoyed the fruits of labour, knew many wonderful friends, some of which haf left my social circle ever since we graduated, but the memories were really fine.. Though they did not enthu dance like me, they still did their job... I mean, yah it was still a job, they were being responsible & professional... Friends, u all were great...

But now the NHDS: Intro politics, dun respect seniors/ authority (i mean u dun like chairman or whoever, still give face lah, dun need to openly defy one mah..), think so fully of themselves, erosion of traditions & practices & worst: dunno how BIG is the world outside... I mean nothing can be worst if u dunno how BIG the world is... Gonna suffer if next time exposed to the outside world.. Eg. If u know ur weaknesses, at least can try to cover during auditions so tt u dun show it out.. If u know ur strengths, u can try to impress the instructor holding e audition by emphazing on ur strengths...

Realy v sad to c the place where i haf grown up turned into lidat... Really sad, more so when i know i cannot do anything to salvage the situation.. Sad/ Disappointed...

End of Part I