因为我没有哭

以下的篇章是从 赖雅妍 的部落格 成篇拷贝过来, 并非我个人的作品。

一直都觉得自己很像大人
跌到了很痛但是我没有哭
直到转身后痛得掉了眼泪，
才发现。。。
我一点都不喜欢当大人。

大人常常被孩子不谅解，
因为直线看过去的世界，
不会了解弯弯曲曲的结，
想画一个拐弯抹角的圆,
只因为这样好像比较完美。

屁。。。
那弄得大人都好累好累

小时候妈妈说我哭得好丑,
从此觉得眼泪不是好东西。
再难过似乎都比丑好,
因此我不哭，也忍着不难过。
这样应该就会比较漂亮了。

长大以后发现会哭好像比较得意
女人哭了有人帮你拿东西
男人哭了被称做铁汉柔情
小孩哭了爸妈给你买玩具
老天哭了所有人都不快乐
眼泪变成一种说话的工具
也变成另一种战争的武器

等我老了眼泪就不再有价值,
何不把握当下现在就学会哭,
掉了眼泪心里就会比较舒服，
哭完好入睡,
哭了比较楚楚可怜，
哭了,心里的重量就不会多,
可放下它, 也可吃掉它。

但可惜了,
因为我没有哭。
——————————————————————————

我想赖雅妍的这篇，倒与我不谋而合。想想，我已有许久没落泪了，更别说哭。。。
日子久了，连哭的感觉都没有，何来的泪呢？
记得以前自己曾写过: 人，只会越来越麻木，最后到了欲哭无泪的地步。。。

其实，能哭的人是幸福的

终

Anyhow Arts 2009

YES!!! Time is 25 Dec 2009, Anyhow Arts 2009 has ended on 19 / 20 Dec at PA. This yr was a shiong yr. I did the programming all by myself, programme booklet with Zixiang, ticketing by myself, and I choreo 2 items, more than the usual. I even have to source for new concepts. I brought in a guitar duet this year, Genin & Chun Yong. 1 comment---> super shiong...


But now tt its over, Im really happy =) Special thanks here to Xi Ying Lao Shi & Mr Low, my 2 beloved teachers who have guided me and gave me so much room to grow. This year I was invited by Xi Ying Lao Shi to choreo a dance for the Southern Arts Society dance troupe. Thank you Xi Ying Lao Shi for giving me this opportunity. =) Then as usual, I choreo 1 dance for DI members, those who are willing to work with me, those who answered my Facebook "call" for dancers.



This year, my item is lyrical hip hop using Bleeding Love, with some other segments in between. Thanks to the dancers who danced in my item, Yiyang, Celia, Alyssa, Yueli, Peixuan, Yi Song, Joanne (who joined last min --- Haha, but still glad u could make it), and my last 2 dancers from previous year, Vanessa & Vivian. Thank you for your hard work, hope u all like the item, there's alot of details in the choreography to try to match every single word of the song. I hope u guys or even the audience was able to appreciate the beauty of this compatible matching choreography.



My item for Southern Arts is on Beauty. I picked up the idea from Perfect Cut, Channel U drama, and let the girls dance to the theme song by Shi Xin Hui. The dance piece is abt Beauty, Self-confidence, and other people's view / gaze.... To match to the meaning of the song, I had Hui wen wearing a mask, signifying her inferior complex, different from the norm of "Beauty" in society's eyes. Then there was this part where every1 freezed, and she walked ard them in envy, hoping to be like them. Then I added 1 part of lifting (which the audience is free to interpret in anyway), and ended off with Hui Wen taking off the Mask, and dancing again. This time, with her real appearance, and I used sign languages in the choreography, hoping to bring out a silent msg to the audience.

As per my dance synopsis; What is beauty? Self-confidence is then a Lady's best accessories. Beauty is decided by the Society, and any1 can nv catch up with Society's view of beauty. In ancient Greece, Ladies who are overweight & plump are considered beauty. In today's society, the hour-glass shape tt a lady shld haf is simply a norm set by society. Thus, beauty is nv ever defined. Self-confidence is then the best accessory any lady can have.


Well, for this year's AHA, my personal opinion what would be e best dance of e night would be tt dance by Crescent Girls dancers, dancing to Lao Shi's item. It was really well-choreo, and v site specific. It matched the evening, the ambience, the lighting. It was simply beautiful, practically Art in Motion. Saw alot of photographers taking photos during the dance, I guess the visual image of the dancers within the surrounding background is really a captivating image to capture.
Well done Girls.....=) Impressive is the word....

Next, as for my item, Love like Dust, Thank you the 9 dancers who danced in this item. I sincerely hope tt it was a nice collaboration and u all loved this item. Tt would be my most ultimate objective. =) Dance education is aft all what im looking at all along....

This year, Im really happy that I did so much, worked with so many diff ppl, and see so many new faces. I even managed to feature Genin & ChunYong for the pre-show segment, and many told me tt it was a good move to bring music into AHA 2009, giving it a new lease of life =).

Once again, Thank you Yiyang, Celia, Alyssa, Yueli, Peixuan, Yi Song, Joanne, Vanessa & Vivian. Like I said tt day, U guys did a great job and really Love u ppl. Esp the last encore dance for Yiyang w/o the audience, i think u all suddenly become stress-free and danced so well. Thank you Xi Ying Lao Shi, Mr Low for the wonderful opportunities.
To every1 who has worked along / with me for AHA 2009, thank you so much, you have given me memories to take along with when I grow old...

Zhongyi is still the same old Zhongyi.

This year marks the 10th anniversary since I graduated from NHSS.

Getting Re-started

Time is 25 Dec 09, I finally have the time to sit down and rest and spring-clean my room. The feeling of "cleaning" everything up is really good.... IT gives me a refreshing feeling, something like falling down and standing up again to re-start.

For not blogging so long (abt 6 months), is becos i was confused, re-thinking over the process whether I took the wrong step in life. Tt step i took.... It was brave, courageous u can say, but on the other hand, it can be viewed as Dumb, impractical, young & rash, not mature...

So how do YOU view it?? If there's an audience watching my life as a movie, how would they have viewed tt step i took? For the past 6 months i was confused... But aft AHA 09, aft talking to Lao Shi, I m all ready to go again...

Perhaps I am a person who is supposed to meet with setbacks & failures all the way, and to know how to handle them again & again is my destiny?? Resilience & Perseverenace is what i am named anyway. 仲毅, 取意自-----> 所有人之中 : 仲， 最有毅力的：毅

Anyway, Im enlightened by AHA 09, and Lao Shi, so once again (and I freaking mean AGAIN, so u can imagine how many times i FAILED in life already), Im starting out from zero and on a new path again. 我又再一次跌到了，我又必须再一次重新站起来。现在已有很多人跑在我的前面，我只有重新再起步。或许真的已比很多人迟，但是我还是会一步一步地一直往前走。。。

重新出发

A Catalogue of My essays:

Dear readers, those interested to read my essays, pls refer to the datelines and search thru my archieves to read them... Suggestion is to read from the oldest essays which i find are better done generally ...

Hope u all read when u are free, and do give comments everytime, i do come up with new essays every now and then, depends on whether i got ling gan or not.... =D

Date & Title:
12/07/05 - 钢琴与她
18/07/05 - 思念
23/07/05 - 孤单起飞
08/08/05 - 痛、苦、悲、绝
22/11/05 - 窗外雨滴
29/11/05 - 冰天雪地 - 心的接触
07/12/05 - 瞬间の永恒
26/12/05 - 无法习惯
18/02/06 - It's been raining since u left me
23/05/06 - 刺青
24/06/06 - 一个人生活
21/12/06 - When did your heart stop loving me?
28/12/07 - 遥远的她

*B4 every essay, there is a foreword, so if interested do read tt as well, it states how i got the ideas =)

JUMP - Korean Comic Martial Arts Perf

Woah! Time is 16 Sep 09. It has been 2 months since i last updated. Too busy to settle down and haf some time to myself. I think other than busy, i would say its also partly becos there is nothing WORTHY for me to blog abt. The recent feelings / thoughts i haf, ain't worth leaving them in my memories. I wouldnt want to have memories of those stuff when i re-read this blog yrs down the road.

But here i am, blogging again due to the perf i watched earlier last week. It was truly enjoyable. It was so much more enjoyable, then i begin to dislike many Singapore arts groups.
Watched JUMP at Esplanade on 13-Sep-09 with Xinyu, Jieling, Augustine etc. Lao Shi, Mei Man, Connie & Kai wei went too.

It was really a great show. Simple, straightforward, no frills, yet entertaining and engaging. Able to capture and lock in the attention of the audience. The martial arts part on using weapons werent that impressive, but the acrobatics part was superb. =) Though still fall short of my expectations cos i saw trailers before, some stuns in the trailer werent performed in SG tt day. I believe it is the original show in Korea would be much better.

Nvtheless, it was really still a great show. I believe it is my fortune to haf watched such a performance. After watching this performance, it once again made me refreshed myself, and clearly understood my objectives in dancing. =) It's good to haf such refresher course i would say, once in a while, whenever i get down.....

JUMP - the reassurance once again of why im doing what im doing all along.... Will continue to strive... In this world of ever-changing trends, one muz be clear of what one really likes, and really wanna do...

意犹未尽

Emperor's New Clothes @ Victoria Theatre 10-12 Jul'09

Time is 12-Jul-09, I just ended this 3 day concert with Singapore Hokkien Huay Kuan and my 4 month rehearsals with them...

This time this production really gave me another feeling of working with young ppl all over again.. Long time didnt feel this way le... =)

每次和热情的学生合作时，我其实真的很开心，也庆幸自己有这个机会认识他们。谢谢刘老师给我这个机会和这么棒的艺术工作者合作。《皇帝的新衣》所给我的回忆将会一直陪伴着我，真的很高兴认识其他充满热忱的艺术工作者。这次的演出又充实了我的生活。

心中的感动其实已非笔墨可形容，希望这次的体验会给我一个很好的冲刺。向创作之路前进，好好地构思，好好地策划，好好地编排，不忘临场变化，随机应变，创造新的东西。。。

待续

Even if the rain......

Even if the rain, even if the rain falls down...
Life is full of memories, we won't let them wash away
Even if the rain falls, even if the rain falls down...
The sun will always shine on you and me,
Even, even if the rain....


今天经过那个妳我曾经一起常去的地方，整个地方已和过往不一样 ,在那里我真的有事过境迁，人事已非的感觉。在回家的归途中, 熟悉的路途使我百感交集，回味无穷。一切一切的回忆或许妳已渐渐淡忘，但凄美的点点滴滴依然遗留在我内心世界的某一角落。

经过熟悉的地方,踏上熟悉的路途回家，这份感觉似曾相识。望着街灯与树木的飞逝，在苍穹底下，回忆陆陆续续地闪过我的脑海，凄美的过去遗留下的一丝甜蜜，淡淡的遗憾美。

我在那里随处逛逛，与无数陌生的身影擦肩而过, 没有任何一个熟悉的身影。
那地方已不再像从前，却仍然给我一丝丝的温暖。。。

回忆如今是我至今还执有的东西, 在未来漫长的岁月里, 不知是否会经得起时间无情的浪涛？？？
在我还没失去回忆之前，让我好好地回味一下吧。。。

Congrats to Crew 3047 - JJC Talentine 2009 Champions



Time is 26 May 2009. On 23 May 2009, JJC had a talentine competition held in NTU. Pei xuan, Alyssa, Hann Qian, Cheri, Chee Yew, Si Ian, Eugene formed a crew and asked me to help them choreo for this item. They call themselves crew 3047. And i was told that they name themselves 3047 in a JJC competition is becos, 3047 is the Sch code of NHHS when u sit for O levels as a NH student.. Haha LOL, diaozz...

Initially they juz practised as per normal, didnt know that they juz cruised through the audition, semi finals all the way till the finals. Then on Sat night when i was out, i received calls that informed me that these dancers not only won the Champions for the Dance Category ($500), they oso won the overall champion for the Talentine Competition ($1k), reapping $1.5k in total.
I was shocked... Haha

Am really happy for them that they won. Through this incident, what really made me happy is the 感动 feeling when i see ppl come together for a common cause and work towards tt cause collectively, and esp so when there is minimal conflict and super high synergy...

Really 感动, and i really like tt feeling...

Not easy to reach tt level woh, not only work towards common goal, muz satisfy condition of minimal conflict, super high synergy... I think Rugby and Basketball players can achieve tt. Even soccer i think its not really tt level yet. Dancers, i dunno, depends on who, where & wat event i suppose......................


I like this feeling of always being in touch with Dance. Its also v touching to see ppl still in touch with Dance. Many a times, aft ppl grad from NH, they leave NHDS, they nv look back and they give up dancing totally. It may be forced by circumstances but still its a really sad thing. Tt's y whenever i see ppl not giving up on Dance, i feel so happy. Its juz a kind of feeling though its none of my biz whether ppl carry on dancing or not, but it really strikes my mood (for a moment). I am in high spirits recently becos of you guys, becos of this proj...



On a side note, Eugene has really improved alot in dancing. Im really impressed by him this time rd choreographing this item for them. Back in NH, Eugene dun look enthu in dance, didnt expect him to turn out lidat today. Very impressed. This juz goes to show even more that, Dancing only juz started when those dancers leave NH. For those dancers in NH currrently who think tt they are already there, I feel so 可笑. The nv-ending journey of learning in Dance has only juz begun....

Happy to see ppl dancing, Sad to see ppl leaving dance

Happy to see ppl working hard, Sad to see ppl giving up their potential

_____________________________________________________________________

AM REALLY HAPPY FOR U ALL

舞蹈 时间 生命 生活



时间已进入2009年，生命进入另一个阶段。舞蹈的道路越来越难走，目标离我越来越远。自己本身也越来越累。进入2009年就代表我的舞蹈生命又进一步跨进了尾声。这一路走来，心力交瘁，而自己也搞得遍体鳞伤。我的生命之泉似乎快断了。

今年是2009年,刚好距离我生命中最开心的日子十年。整整十年，又是一个九头的年份。真的难以置信自己已经老了那么多。相信在未来的日子里,我会陆陆续续地再次体会这种感受吧！

1999年是特别的一年,也是千禧年的来临，一个很愉快的一年, 距离现在已十年。。。
快乐的时光总是只能在回忆里独自回味。。。

十年如一日

心星的泪光

时间是2009 4月4日。今天没什么事,傍晚才需要到福建会馆去彩排。所以在下午时,我竟然有时间看电视,哈哈。。。毫无目的的我就随意转台,结果看到了这部偶像剧。由关颖和言承旭主演；《心星的泪光》 这部偶像剧还挺不错，依然是爱情剧,但处理手法比较细腻，不会太做作。

如此细腻的手法来诠释爱情，我已许久没有看过了,或许是因为我根本已很久没看电视了。但是，我真的有被这部剧感动到,而我只看了今天一集。如果把整个剧看完,我不知自己会有何感触？

如此细腻的手法来诠释爱情，竟勾起了我对爱情的憧憬，不禁想起过往的种种。以前，一切是多么地单纯，简单的爱。今天的这部偶像剧不自觉地使我想起了妳。。。

爱情时常会变质，我的preference 还是纯真的爱情。因为不喜欢成人式太复杂化的爱情，太多的顾虑,太多的外来因素，太多的人物关系。常常有电视剧这么说道: 爱情是两个人的事,为何要牵扯这么多的人? 虽然这种说法在新加坡是不适当/ 不切实际的, 但我就是单纯地喜欢这种任性的理念。=）

爱情的憧憬
与妳共度的时光
所曾拥有的回忆
妳的离去
爱情的幻灭
再也见不到的身影
无情的雨
漫长的人生
晶莹的泪光
永恒的星星

夜 / 叶

Quote

Time is 22/3/09. Was looking thru my stuff and tidying up my room, happened to see a piece of paper given to me by my GP teacher back in JC days. I remembered i kept it all along with me in my wallet back then. I remember the feeling when i received this piece of paper from my GP tutor. It's juz a encouragement quote which we always see on those posters / signs to motivate ppl moving on. But then i really like it. As the piece of paper now is like almost trash, i was wondering how can i KEEP this quote with me? Then i happened to think of blogging it down. The then almost torn piece of paper can rest in peace while its value is still embedded in my memories =)

Quote from Woodrow Wilson:
We grow great by Dreams. All big men are Dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great Dreams die, but others nourish and protect them.

End

Things are going rough again =(

This post is for u all. Due to the unforseen circumstances that suddenly churn up, i cant help but feel tired once again.. really tired... There is still maybe a glimpse of hope but its only 1 last chance only. % of success is abt 30% only? and the 30% is not in control of my hands, so basically i can only wait... Im really tired.

Tired once again.. Nobody understands, nobody knows, nobody can help... Even i cant control the way things go, what to do? I haf already worked v hard le, haf already tried my best. Dunno wat else i can do le. Its really bad... The outlook is v bleak.

This entry is for u all; Its really a pleasure to meet u all. Im really fortunate to haf at least met u all in this period of my life. Unfortunately, unforseen circumstances arise and things develop in such a way. Over There i juz kanna 1 x big blow from tt grp of ppl, then here i kanna 1 more blow from the vitiating factors, though i know its not caused by any of us la. Its juz vitiating factors, tt hender us... But then ya, unless the 30% is successful, i dunno how to overcome this thing this time rd....

Pain, Fatigue, Tired...
Its so damn hard to branch out of this whole situation..

华丽上班族之 生活与生存
Design for Living

时间是2009年2月1日，昨日在Esplanade 看了林弈华导演，由张艾嘉编剧的作品 - 华丽上班族之 生活与生存。整个作品有13位演员，其中包括张艾嘉，王耀庆，郑元畅。作品通过很多细腻的手法与细节，将现代人的都市生活搬上舞台，暗喻 / 探讨生活与生存的议题。

有趣而值得一提的是，就像我以前写过“永远与永恒”的差别，这作品写了生活与生存的差别。它没有直接地点出两者的定义，而是用了很细腻的手法来表达。而更精准的说法，这作品反映了很多上班族的挣扎以及不同层次（错综复杂）的关系。在13位角色当中，穿插的关系实在很多，而且每个角色之间的关系又有着不同的层次，（真的很像洋葱，一层一层），我在观看的当儿，真的用了很多精神。
编剧张艾嘉可以写出这么好的剧本，我真的佩服得五体投地。在一个3小时的长篇舞台剧，她写出的关系很多，而点出的社会议题也不胜枚举，更在其中添加了幽默，最后更因在新加坡演出而改编其中的一些对话，竟然让对话出现“Wah Lau”，内容谈及李光耀等的本地内容，使得演出有本地色彩，真的是用心良苦。

剧本中的多种关系同时在舞台上发生/表述，就好比一支舞蹈在舞台上一次过有很多动作在进行，其中的mechanism有多复杂，我在编排舞蹈的时候常体会到，而导演林弈华有本事将这些在文本里的画面实体化，展现在舞台上，真的很了不起。

我在这向《华丽上班族之 生活与生存》的13位演员致敬，你们真的很专业，而且真的太棒了！

我真的很想把所有的关系分析都写出来，但是真的太多了，而层次方面更是深不见底。昨夜在Esplanade看完这作品后，我真的是精疲力尽。虽然它是写实主义剧场，不是什么前卫剧场，但是在“很容易看得懂”的表面下，还是有很多细节要花精神去发掘，才看到导演编剧的奥妙编排。简直是“Magic"。

这部作品给了我很大的冲击。以上所述皆为作品的奥妙之处，接下来要写的是作品带给我的情绪/精神上的冲击/感动。一直以来我都认为舞蹈员应该向舞台剧演员学习如何扩展energy，让观众感受到表演者的energy，而看了《华丽上班族之 生活与生存》之后，我更加这么认为。所有13位演员的那个能量真的传达到我这个观众身上，我真的进入“戏”里，自己的情绪和角色们一同起起落落。（也解释为何演出后，我会精疲力尽）在这里想特别向一位演员致敬；饰演“苏菲”的谢盈萱。她的演技超一流，演得入木三分。“苏菲”的情绪以及内心戏真的brought my emotions on a roller coaster ride. 看了她那一场内心戏，我的情绪久久不能平伏。

而郑元畅饰演的角色“李想”（取义自理想-ideals）最后在剧中死了，（可能暗喻都市上班族都没有理想，抑或理想根本不应存在于你争我夺的都市生活里，所以最后被扼杀了）。“李想”是一个我到最后都没有完全参透的角色，他在戏里的功用，我也没法完全捉摸。张艾嘉编写的这个角色真的如浩瀚大海，深不可测。剧中的序幕以及结尾都是由李想包办，足见“李想”在《生活与生存》的重要性，以及他/它暗喻的讯息。

最后，在结尾，我想再次向《华丽上班族之 生活与生存》的13位演员致敬；
身为舞者的我，不论从演员的表演方式，导演的编排，舞台的设计，我都学了不少；而身为一名观众，我更是享受这部作品，真的太棒了！！！

（我或许也应该因这作品的启发而想想我今后的生活与生存。=））

Last night was a roller coaster ride for my emotions, be it mentally / emotionally. Living and Surviving, there is really a difference.Work is part of Living or part of Survival? Emotions, relationships, career, family, commitments, materialism, Ideals all come into PLAY.....

End-less