Alone

This is 2005.. For dance events this yr, i was involved in Chingay'05, NDP'05, NKF Cancer Fund variety show & maybe the opening ceremony of the new drama centre(the one at e new national library)

These events led me to think alot, hence so many past entries were on events going on in 2005. Cos this yr make me got lots of new thinking, dunno is good thing or not, but makes me more immune to change.
Is immune to changes a good thing? Actually in my own view, it's not, i find it a very sad/tragic thing to happen to me.. Basically means i remain emotionless to changes liao, so i become more unfeeling, which i seriously dun like.. If this was what my parents used to term as 'grown up', then i say i dun wish to grow up... I dun wish to remain emotionless/unfeeling towards change.. I wish to be a person of emotions, not a robot.. Becos maybe adults haf seen too much in life, they become immune to these happenings, & it can no longer affect them, or throw them down into depression etc. There can be an explaination for this: Simply becos they r immune/ able to remain unaffected, it shows they r already 'dead'.. Becos a human has feelings, if they r unaffected, they r invulnerable... Is invulnerability a good thing? To some maybe yes, cos no one can bring u down.. But to me, invulnerability is a sad/tragic thing.. The irony is this: how can a dead person be vulnerable? Already dead liao mah... So since they r invulnerable, they r as good as dead... Invulnerable = dead Dead here i refer to heart is dead, emotionless, no more weak points... To me, having weak points/ having the possibility of being defeated is then termed a human being...

Hence, having gone thru so much in 2005, i grown more immune to change, which i find is so pathetic & tragic.. I haf become more unfeeling... So disgustingly sad...
Scenario:
In 2005, this NKF makes me more disappointed in human beings, esp when aft NKF, there is an upcoming event at e new drama centre thingy. Is really disappointed..
So many ppl came to perform for DI when they heard tt DI is gonna put up an item in the NKF, ie. there is a chance to be on TV lah.. However, when a similar request was put up for the drama centre thingy, almost nobody responded.. Such a sad thing, almost NOBODY leh!! Why r there so many ppl who r so materialistic/superficial? They only help out in events tt give them a chance to go on TV, eg. Chingay/NDP/NKF.. Then those no tele-boardcast one, nobody even give a damn abt it...
Quote two eg. CC perf usually so many ppl siam here & there, dun wanna help.. Another 1 was a perf at Jurong Pt sometime after Chingay, was supposed to put up a wushu perf, oso nobody help..

Esp the one at Jurong Pt, i dare say if i was not there to give assistance, the item put up by my juniors cant even hit the time duration required.. I still gotta perf a set of Chang Quan & oso drag the timing somemore, in order to save the whole situation.. This made me v disappointed already earlier this yr, now this NKF thing is worst... So many turned up to help, then when came this drama centre thing, only 3 ppl left... What is this? It's really too much..
Recall scenario: Drama Centre perf is a golden opportunity, at least Mr Low oso thought so.. It's a collaboration betw DI & Theatre Practice (Shi Jian Ju Chang).. We can learn so much from these full-time professionals thru this cooperation.. Hey its Shi Jian leh, even Jeff Tan oso encourages us to learn from/support Shi Jian..

This type of opportunity nobody cherish, only those can be on TV one then they cherish... Why?
I dun expect every1 to be 100% enthu but cant they at least help Mr Low & DI mah... now left 3 ppl, i wonder how Mr Low gonna cope... All r so superficial... Disappointing.. The issue here is this: why is it during TV events such as NKF, they r able to fork out time regardless how busy to come 4 rehearsals, then they cant do the same for these non-TV events? Apart from the 2 Eg i quoted above, actually oso got alot more, dun wanna mention liao...

So why this topic today on Alone?
Becos i realized tt aft one whole big rd, i still end up alone.. N aft these drastic changes in DI resulting me more unfeeling, I realize the meaning of 'Alone'.. Worst thing is tt I said i haf become unfeeling is becos i actually felt tt alone is not a tragic status but an eternal fact... I used to think tt loneliness is sad, but now, i treat loneliness with neutral feeling, tt's y i find myself so funny, so pathetic, such a tragedy...

Alone is actually an eternal status.. It stays there & nv change.. Every1 comes to this world alone, will be leaving this world alone oso, nobody can acc anybody at all.. When ppl high-fly & succeed, they do so alone, when they fail & nobody gives a helping hand, they r alone too.. When u fall sick/get injured, u r alone too.. Yes, many ppl can get the same illness/ injured in the same area, can empthatise with u , but at the v instant u r feeling ur own pain alone.. So, It's still alone, cos only u r exp the pain, u understand whether blood is flowing away/ whether u will stop coughing or not...
So aft what i been thru in 2005, i realized i haf been dancing 'Alone'.. So sad right? Even in a dance full of ppl, i came to realize this fact, nobody shares my passion e 'same way i feel abt dance'. N/B: i mean the same way, there maybe other ppl oso passionate abt dance, maybe more than me, but they wont feel e same way as me.. Hence under this definition, i still stay 'Alone'..
I oso realize tt if i wanna pursue to a higher level, i haf to do it again, 'ALONE'.. Cos apparently nobody in DI currently will acc me to do tt.. Now the fact is tt, not i think i v good, but juz tt i wish to pursue my interests further to a diff level.. Apparently, the many ppl in DI currently r v comfortable/satisfied with their current level of skill/knowledge tt they no longer wish to improve.. Hence honestly, if i wish to take another path, i realize i haf to do it 'ALONE'...

Sigh... Is i too unfeeling/ i think too highly of myself, or simply tt i m actually doing the correct thing?

In the end, i still took a path diff from all these ppl, & even amidst my efforts to try to know them/ click with them/ understand what they thinking, i still end up alone...
Thru this, i realize why aft sometime working in a company, some employees choose to change jobs/ be your own boss.. Tt's becos they chose a diff path & intended to end up alone.. My case however, i deemed tragic is becos i didnt intend 2 walk this path alone, if anyone can catch up to walk with me, i would be more than happy, the fact is they really chose to stay put in ther current position...
To make things worst, not only did i take the path alone, i oso 'dance' alone, becos many of these ppl in DI r not helping out, they only turn up when there r tele-boardcast events.. Hence, i cant even dance with a fixed grp of dancers... So eventually, i end up in an abstract way, 'dancing alone'....


Bottomeline, regardless of whether e path i m taking or whoever i m dancing with, I still end up alone... & Alone in this path i walk...

I seriously understand why pop bands disband when some1 in the grp wishes to go solo, it's becos they realize tt eventually they would haf to take the path alone (maybe due to personal interests in diff music genre), while their other members choose to reamin in their current status...

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